A List of Things

The internet is festooned with lists. There are lists of people’s top fifty favourite songs, top ten favourite films, top advertisement slogans of all time, etc. etc. You may also find lists of people’s one hundred most hated TV programmes, ten worst chat up lines, and even lists such as ‘my twenty best pasta dishes’.

In order not to fall behind in this cut-throat world of lists I have decided to compile my own ‘list of things’ It is not a random list, although for all the use that lists are, it might as well be, but a loosely gathered, relaxed, having a quiet night in, sort of list; cataloguing my prejudices and preferences in all sorts of areas. The value of my list is exactly the same as that of all other lists. It is as valuable as the Oscars or the Nobel Prize or any other celebrity or highbrow list. It is as valuable as somebody else’s shopping list. In other words it is worthless, yet at the same time priceless.

Reading my list, agreeing or disagreeing with the entries on my list, perusing, considering or consuming my list will neither bring you love and romance, nor make you untold riches. It will not enhance your spirituality or develop your intellect. It may amuse you; it could annoy you. Neither is my concern, because it is my list, not your list. If you really want a list, and I can see no discernible reason why you would, then make your own list. It is all the rage and you know you can.

My list begins with the things I don’t like. In reverse order the ten things I like least are:

10. Internet Marketers and other associated snake-oil salesmen that promise everything and deliver nothing. They would be higher up my list, but for their one saving grace. They are consistent. They fleece the unwary every time.

9. Cars and their drivers. Some people need motor cars (automobiles to our colonial friends) for their work. A good example of such people would be taxi drivers and racing drivers. In fact they are the only examples. All other cars are nasty indulgences that pollute the planet and hold back the development of sensible integrated public transport policies. Worst of all car drivers are those Nigels and Jocastas who claim ‘green’ credentials because they recycle all their tin cans and glass bottles and even compost their own faeces, yet still take their kids to school in a Chelsea Tractor.

8. New Labour. There is a quaint old phrase that states ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’, and an equally well known moral precept that states ‘Thou shalt not steal’ The ‘Granta Two’ violated both those by stealing a perfectly formed, unbroken, Labour Party from it rightful owners and then ‘fixing’ it.

7. Reality Television. First it is a complete misnomer. So-called reality television doesn’t reflect any kind of reality I have ever experienced. It generally seems to feature psychologically damaged half-wits doing and saying things that no one with even a tenuous grasp of reality would even consider. Look at Big Brother; could there be a more pointless thing to broadcast? Actually I have found one; read the next point.

6. Television Game Shows and similar ‘formats’. Who wants to be a Millionaire, Strictly Come Dancing, Deal or No Deal; the list is endless. They are complete and utter pap; disheartening and unentertaining. Awful!

5. TV chat shows. If you have ever seen Jerry, Oprah, Montel and their ilk go through their paces it is akin to a living death. The damaged and deranged people they have on and their superior attitude to them is truly sickening. The British clones are little better, saved only by their level of amateurishness.

4. Beetroot. This is surely the most horrible and evil vegetable in the world. It looks as if it ought to be nice. It is a rich shade of burgundy, and is shaped not unlike a swede, which is a more than acceptable thing to eat. But one taste and you want to vomit. It tastes like a turnip soaked in sweetened diesel oil. Disgusting!

3. The Tories. David Cameron has over the past two or three years tried to present himself as Tony Blair mark 2. Firstly, why anyone would model himself on a warmongering, bible-bashing, compulsive liar is beyond me, but each to their own. The problem is that the reality is actually much more sinister than that. Cameron’s New Tories are actually just Thatcher’s Old Tories in sharper suits. They brought Britain to her knees in the 1980s and given half a chance they would do it again. I thought about putting the Iron Tyrant herself on the list but as she is now so close to death why bother.

2. United States of America. The nation that brought us McDonalds, Coca-Cola, post world war two colonialism, the cold war, lynching parties, Charlton Heston, John Wayne, two George Bushes, the CIA, the destabilisation of Central America and the middle-east, and the credit crunch. What is there to like? Let us hope Obama can drag the US into respectability.

1. Text-messaging. I just can’t see the point. Phone someone or send an email. This may have something to do with my own inability to master the whole texting thing. After all I am an adult. My beef I suppose is really with mobile phones (cell phones to the colonials) that can take photos, surf the net, take movies. They are telephones for God’s sake. Has the world gone mad?

In order not to sound completely curmudgeonly, I also have some things that I like:

10. Scrambled Eggs. What could be nicer on a lazy Sunday morning than a nice plate of scrambled eggs on toast? Answer: A nice plate of scrambled eggs on toast accompanied by a nice strong cup of coffee.

9. The Open University. Jennie Lee’s dream of a ‘university of the air’ became a reality and has gone on to become the largest academic institution in the world. It is socialism in action; higher education for all. It is the ultimate ‘second chance’ institution, and I will forever remain both grateful and very proud to one time have been an OU student. Thank you for giving me my chance.

8. Amsterdam. It is twee, petit-bourgeois, and a ludicrously popular tourist trap. It also has a seedy red-light area, too many British drunks, plenty of dodgy characters wandering about trying to deal in hard drugs, and its own fair share of over-priced tourist shops. But it also has the Anne Frank House, the Homo Monument, a brilliant zoo, and an atmosphere of liberalism and tolerance that is refreshing and uplifting. And it is Dutch. And that is quite a thing to be!

7. Email. I sent my first email on an intranet in 1988 and have been a devotee ever since. As a form of (almost) instant communication it cannot be bettered. It has the advantages of instant messaging in that it is relatively immediate, combined with the advantages of traditional; letter writing in that you can compose your mail at your leisure without interruption from the would-be recipient. The best of both worlds.

6. Germany. Although it’s relatively recent history is something Germany must remain deeply ashamed about, there is far more to Germany than that. The nation of Goethe and Schiller, the brothers Grimm and Beethoven, of beautiful 16th and 17th Century inns, the Black Forest (with or without the torte), and the magnificent Rhine valley, Germany is a wonderful place. The best thing about Germany is the people, The Germans, despite their much publicised inner angst, are friendly, fun-loving and welcoming. A great place for a holiday

5. The internet. The internet is the hunting ground of scammers and spivs, porn merchants and bigots, but it is also a wonderful meeting place in cyberspace of multiple different communities. It links families across continents, it connects businesses, and It is the spiritual home of some of the most generous and honest people one could wish to have contact with; the open source community. Not competition, but cooperation. What a fantastic model for the rest of us to follow. Well done Sir Tim, you deserve a medal.

4. Leonard Cohen. He is the singer of my life. He somehow gets to the gist of things in a way no one else can. He is funny, melancholy, sad, open and brave; a true artist in a world of illusionists and hacks.

3. Karl Marx. Marx opened up our eyes to the truth of human existence. Whether he was the sort of chap you want to have round to dinner is debatable, but he clarified the reasons for the inequalities we suffer without recourse to bogus moralising and religious flimflam,

2. Michel Foucault. Simply the greatest philosopher, archivist, archaeologist of knowledge and power we have yet had. He laid the way for a more realistic and sophisticated analytics of the constant ebb and flow of power relations. He revealed the world as it truly is.

1. The Dutch Football team of 1974. This extraordinary collection of ultra-talented footballers captured the imagination of a generation in a way that no football team (or anything else for that matter) ever had before or ever will. Managed by the genius, Rinus Michels, they played ‘totaal voetbal’. Football played in a way never seen before, with skill, strength, intelligence an artistry that went beyond the bounds of a mere game. The team that lined against West Germany on that fateful day in 1974 was without a shadow of a doubt the finest football team the world will ever know: They were:

• Jan Jongbloed,
• Wim Suurbier,
• Wim Rijsbergen,
• Arie Haan, Ruud
• Krol,
• Wim Jansen,
• Johan Neeskens,
• Wim van Hanegam,
• Johnny Rep,
• Johan Cruyff, and,
• Rob Rensenbrink.

Other key members of the squad were Theo de Jong, the van de Kerkhof brothers, and the great Piet Keizer (AKA the ‘starter’); one of the key players in the great Ajax team of 1969-1973. My heart goes out to those of you who are too young to have witnessed this wonderful, wonderful team. Simply the best!!!

There you have it; my list. I could say that I hope you like it, but I don’t really care. Read it and comment if you wish.